Chronic Illness Journal The Overcomer Life

Immeasurably More in My Days

Some days, I just want to go home. Have you ever felt this way? Sick of this world and ready to receive Heaven in all our Lord’s glory?

Today’s blog post is simply part of my story. My longing for my eternal home, while realizing God still has me here for a big purpose – even when I don’t see it “in the moment”. Because God sent His Son Jesus Christ, I can trust the purpose even if I don’t “feel” it (see Phil. 1:21-24).

Honestly some days, I am really sick of this world and just the stuff of this life. As I reflect on my day, I realize this to be true.

I am so thankful for the things God has got me through today. He has chosen to deliver me from so much.

I saw a new doctor today who shared advice for ailments she didn’t understand. It was hard explaining emotional things to a doctor who didn’t lift her eyes from her notes. Then add in a flare up. There you have my Tuesday.

I need God to do immeasurably more. And I need to trust that He will, because He already has!

“Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us… (Eph. 3:20, AMP).”

I want this “immeasurably more” that our generous God has to offer us, as Christ followers!

(1) God keeps leading me, and that too is immeasurably more in my life. He leads me, even when my body and mind make life difficult.

(2) God does immeasurably more, even when doctor appointments with three new primaries in a row – just doesn’t work out.

(3) God works things out, even when my fingers and toes become numb from taking a walk to seek nourishment.

(4) God is working in my storm, even when I am increasingly anxious about an upcoming appointment.

(5) I don’t know what the future holds. I pray God works out our finances and many other unknowns in my life. But, I have to choose to operate based on trusting the God of the Universe. I know only God can control all these things. I have spent a lot of time fighting for the kind of control only God can have. So, I am choosing to put my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ and continue to reread Proverbs 3:5-10.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
    Do not depend on your own understanding.
In all your ways obey him.
    Then he will make your paths smooth and straight (vv. 5-6, NIRV).”

Lord Jesus, I need Your immeasurably more in every single area of my life. Please increase Your activity in my life, and help me to see how You are working out everything for my ultimate good. Please, give me hope and keep me well nourished in my relationship with You. Amen.

Featured image by Robin Noguier.

POTF {Titus // Tim}

When I Am Not Okay

Do you ever look someone in the eye, say your good, and then realize you aren’t as good as you just said? That was my experience tonight at my small group.

Today was a considerably good day on a physical level. I even made it to Bible study tonight, and so when others asked how I was – the answer immediately came off as “oh, I am doing great today!”

As Bible study progressed, I remembered. I remembered that I have been plagued with depression all week long. I remembered that I have felt alone and found it hard to do simple tasks, because of it. I sat there, listening as they spoke tenderly, and awaited coming home. The Lord’s mighty hand held me together, as I sat there, because I just felt some of the weight that accompanies depression.

My Struggle –

All week long, it has been a struggle to reach for my Bible and journal. I had been doing so well on getting my daily reading of 1 Timothy and have enjoyed it so very much. This week, it was a hard week and so I am behind. I am behind on reading, but in sharing my heart with you all too.

Depression is just something that is hard. For this week, in particular, I have found myself just crying. For roughly two days, I just cried and cried. Which isn’t something you would typically find in my character.

Where Am I Turning?

My hope remains in our Lord Jesus Christ. My morning habits include turning on praise music and attempting to read my Bible. I may not journal, but if I can just read a verse – then I have something to meditate on throughout the day as I am resting or feeling motivated enough to clean.

The cloud of depression has days, where it is paralyzing and nothing gets done. Maybe, not even the simple act of turning on praise music. But even so, the Lord God Almighty is with me in the struggle.

No Shame –

Friends, I hope you are all doing well. But maybe, you are finding yourself in a depression fog too. The only (and best) advice I can give you is – to do whatever is necessary to draw nearer and nearer to our Lord Jesus Christ.

One more note, because I deeply care. If you continue to struggle with depression without relief, consider making an appointment with your family doctor. Depression can be very hard, and we all deserve support. We need to have a support system of others who help us fight it!

Also there are treatments out there, that might be able to help you. There is no shame in depression or seeking help from a medical professional. I have had to do it in the past – myself.

Honestly, there is soo much more to say on the topic of depression and I hope to address more of it in the coming weeks – but for now I want to just encourage you to keep drawing nearer to the Lord. Keep diving into the book of 1 Timothy. We will be starting 2 Timothy soon. Maybe, I will be caught by then.

God bless you, my friends!

Image is by Francisco Gonzalez

Still seeking Him,


Chronic Illness

5/13/15 – When It Hurts…

I got a phone call today. One I would of preferred not to get. It’s not a dreaded “______________ passed away today.” or another sort of horrid news. It did hurt, but the comment afterward hurt too.

Let me just empty my filled up heart of emotions.

Tomorrow, I was supposed to go see my primary doctor. Only I got a phone call today, that she quit taking my government issued health insurance 2-3 weeks ago. Was the wait to let me know really necessary? When they told me, my heart just sank… I heard the voice mail, called and had them tell me again, and the water works began.

When you have multiple medical problems and are in the process of being tested/diagnosed/treated for multiple rare invisible illnesses, starting all over is nothing, but an agonizing and heavy-hearted scenario that requires much more energ than you have to offer. Needless to say, it is something you rather not have as your new reality.

It hit me like a fright train.But, there’s more…

I mustered up the courage to dry my eyes, grab my mountain of things for my Wednesday night of fun, and walked out the door to begin to church.Only to hear my neighbor look my way, and utter words about what a grouch I am – and how she could hear every word I mumbled in a higher than normal volume. And, from inside my apartment.

You know, on days like these, the only words that make sense are:

“If you got the phone call I did, you would be too.”

Let’s expand that a little bit:

“If you walked in my shoes and felt like I often feel,
you would be a bit more grumpy and less outwardly put together – too.”

What did I actually say? I shared what just happened, and that I am handling it by crying and praying. God knows my need to see a doctor who is willing to treat me. Even when I don’t physically appear to be sick to others who know me, God knows my physical condition. More than anything, though, I just need grace.

On days like these,
I just need grace.
A whole lot of grace – as I face
a puzzle of tiny pieces that have
been slammed into the wall, and
they have to be picked up, rearranged, and
gently put back together in a careful manner.

I don’t deserve favor, but grace would be lovely.
It would be the ice that begins the healing process
to my wounded spirit… as I walk down this same
broken road that I thought I would never walk
down again… at least, not so quickly…

Blogging for Books

“The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly” – Blogging for Books

A Physicans First YearLet me begin by saying: I wanted to like this book. I am a huge fan of the television show, ER, and have been for over a decade. So, I truly thought this would be an enjoyable book to read in my spare time.

The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly is by Dr. Matt McCarthy, who is an assistant professor of medicine at Cornell and a staff physician at Weill Cornell Medical Center. His work has appeared inSports Illustrated, Slate, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Deadspin, where he writes the Medspin column. His first book, Odd Man Out, was a New York Times bestseller.

When I saw The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly, it looked like it would be a good read filled with insightful experiences that a new doctor would have to share. While it is a memoir of Dr. Matt McCarthy’s experiences, I cannot say that I would recommend this book to any of my readers.

Between the preface and first two chapters, there is quite a bit of language and even misusing Jesus’ name. While I am sure there are other books that use more language, I do not feel like continuing to read this book is something that will build me up. Instead of being built up, I feel like it would tear me down – spiritually and emotionally speaking. Ordinarily I would continue to pursue giving it a few more chances as I often do for books, this one I cannot.

As a child of God, I am called to be set apart. This… doesn’t help me fulfill that goal of being set apart, so I can be closer to Christ. In fact, it does the opposite. If it wasn’t for the language and misusing God’s name, I would likely still be reading this book…Due to the language, I cannot endorse purchasing this book by Dr. McCarthy.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the “Blogging for Books” book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.

Chronic Illness

5.2.15 – A Plague of Sorts

This is going to be one of those “I feel horrible, so I might as well write about it” moments. You may want to skip over it, or you may choose to sit with me, read what I have written, and offer support (through encouragement, sharing Scriptures from the Bible, and/or prayer). You decide your response.

Typically I don’t talk about the bad days, unless it is a really bad day. I am choosing to write, to talk about how I am feeling. Though it is not a wonderful feeling in my body today, God can use it for His glory and draw others to Him. I need to be vulnerable to talking about it. These days of writing of the pitfalls of chronic illness and Summer, may become much more common in the coming days.

I have been in a rough spot for past several days. I went out, into the heat, on Tuesday for a doctor’s appointment. It is now Saturday, and still in a flare from it. Heat is such a trigger for me. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. I am concerned about what the Summer will bring health-wise, and how far it will set me back – from how well I had been doing.

It’s more difficult than an ordinary “I don’t feel well”. Lately, I am too weak to do anything. Even sitting up to type is pushing it. I need to discover how to live and thrive this Summer. Even as one who does life indoors, there has to be a way to enjoy it. Without the constant reminder of my severe physical limitations and inability to do simple things – like stand to wash dishes or do a load of laundry.

Lord, show me how to do life…and  with Your people. Show me how to stay encouraged, while my body is plagued with physical weakness. Keep drawing me back to Your Scriptures where You boldly proclaim that I am not alone. Not only am I not alone, You are also my Healer! You are the One who can help me endure the physical trials, and remain encouraged in spirit. Help me to stay focused on You, when it is the easiest thing to be discouraged. In Jesus’ Name, I pray these things. Amen.

Psalm 84:11 says:

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield:
the LORD will give grace and glory:
no good thing will he withhold from them
that walk uprightly.”

One comfort I have discovered is the following playlist. It helps me to stay focused.